


All At Once

by cozypancakes



Series: I'm the Mess that You Wanted [5]
Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: AU of the She Li incident, M/M, angst with happy ending, basically adapting the last few chapters to this series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23382757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cozypancakes/pseuds/cozypancakes
Summary: He Tian takes Mo straight back to his apartment after the She Li incident. There's a lot of back and forth with Mo avoiding the conversation, but eventually he realizes that he can tell He Tian his secret.
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Series: I'm the Mess that You Wanted [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1217625
Comments: 17
Kudos: 271





	All At Once

**Author's Note:**

> This can be read without reading any of the others in the series. Mainly, the same series of events only that He Tian and Mo were dating before the She Li incident happened. Borrowed some direct quotes from the last few chapters cause you can't say it better than Old Xian. Hope you enjoy!

His heart was racing. His hand was gripping onto his backpack as he ran through the station. He couldn’t hear anything or see anyone around him. When he felt the hand wrap around the sleeve of his jacket, he lost his balance. He slid on the floor and could feel the panic restrict his breathing further. If he was caught…

Mo Guan Shaun yanked his hand away and got back on his feet as quickly as he could. He was so close. All he needed to do was go down these stairs. He sprinted as fast as he could, not daring to look behind him.

_ Faster, faster, faster. _

He ran down the stairs two or three at a time, no thought to what would happen if he fell. He turned towards the train as he reached the landing. 

He Tian was there. He’d be safe.

_ “The doors are closing.” _

_ No! _

Mo was barely aware of anything as he threw himself across the platform and ran into the train, reaching out for He Tian. And he was there. 

Mo leaned against him, gasping for air and closing his eyes. He’d made it. He was with He Tian and his friends. He was safe. He was gripping onto He Tian’s jacket far too roughly but Mo couldn’t bring himself to care right now. He felt He Tian’s arm around his back and his other hand on his neck, slowly stroking circles on his heated skin. 

He was safe. 

Mo let himself take in He Tian’s cologne. He heard Jian Yi mumbling something but he couldn’t care what it was. Though he should. Mo should care that He Tian was hugging him in public. Not even Jian Yi and Zhang Zheng Xi knew about them and this train car was probably filled with plenty of other students from their school. Mo should pull away from He Tian’s warmth. Afterall, She Li was stuck at the other station. Mo was safe right now. 

The train began to slow down as they reached the next station. As irrational as it was, Mo Guan Shan tensed. There was no way that She Li was going to be behind those doors when they opened but that didn’t stop Mo from fearing the worst. His hand instinctively held on tighter to He Tian. Why was he doing this? He was showing how weak he was to all of these people. Why didn’t that upset him more?

“Come on,” He Tian whispered to him. A shiver ran down Mo’s body from hearing He Tian’s voice. “We’re getting off here.” 

With more difficulty than Mo would ever admit, he pulled away from He Tian’s body. He looked determinedly down at the floor as he straightened his jacket and pulled his backpack on. 

“We’ll take a rain check on dinner,” He Tian said over his shoulder. Mo knew it was shitty of him to not even acknowledge his other two friends, but embarrassment was taking adrenaline’s place.

“I want all the details tomorrow!” Jian Yi yelled after them. 

He Tian put his arm around Mo Guan Shan’s shoulders as they exited the train car. Mo couldn’t deny that he felt better being so close to He Tian. 

“We’ll grab a taxi back to my place. I’ll text auntie to let her know you won’t make it into your shift,” He Tian said. Mo numbly nodded. He should be trying to make an excuse to leave. At some point, He Tian was going to demand an explanation. He must have seen that She Li was after him. He saw how scared Mo had been. There was very little doubt in Mo Guan Shan’s mind that He Tian was once again going to demand to know what their history was. 

Mo let himself be guided out of the station and into a taxi. It didn’t seem like He Tian was going to start interrogating him there, so Mo let himself stare out the window. He leaned his forehead against the cool glass. It helped anchor him a little. 

What was he going to tell He Tian? He could lie. It was unlikely He Tian would ever hear She Li’s side of the story or believe She Li over Mo. Lying was definitely a possibility. Mo shifted in his seat. His stomach was rolling around uncomfortably. Lying didn’t sit right with him. He Tian had done so much for Mo already. He’d defended Mo against She Li already. He’d bled for Mo, more than once. And even aside from all that, Mo simply didn’t want to lie to He Tian. 

He didn’t want to dig up the past either though. What was the point anyway? There was nothing to be done about it. Not even He Tian, with all his money, could make this right. This was something Mo would have to live with for the rest of his life. He’d been doing it for years now, nothing had changed. Yes, He Tian and him were...boyfriends. But that didn’t mean he had to go and tell He Tian every single thought that crossed his mind. This was Mo’s burden to bear. Mo felt tears burn in his eyes. He swallowed back all his emotions. 

“Little Mo, we’re here,” He Tian told him. His voice was soft and low, as if he was afraid Mo would be startled by loud noises. Mo’s heart clenched at that thought. He Tian was trying to take care of him. Which made Mo angry the next second. He shouldn’t need He Tian to take care of him! Fuck, why were his emotions all over the place right now?

Either way, he should get out of the taxi. That, at least, he could manage by himself. Mo followed He Tian up to his apartment. His heart was racing again. As soon as they got into the apartment, He Tian would probably be all over him with questions. Questions Mo didn’t want to answer. Luckily, as he was texting his mom that he’d be staying with He Tian for the night, an idea struck him on how to distract He Tian. Because no matter how much Mo wanted to avoid that conversation with He Tian, Mo also knew that he wasn’t ready to be away from him quite yet.

Once they had entered the apartment and dumped their bags and shoes by the door, Mo wasted no time in putting his plan in action. He turned to face He Tian. Before He Tian could say anything, Mo grabbed a hold of his shirt and pulled him down into a kiss. Mo tried very hard to make it hot and dirty. He slid his tongue into He Tian’s mouth and tried to replicate the sensual way He Tian would always move his tongue. He Tian grabbed Mo by the upper arms and tried to push him away.

“Mo.”

“Shut up,” he mumbled and reached towards him again. At first, this was about avoiding He Tian’s questions. But as Mo Guan Shan kissed He Tian...it was as if feeling was returning to his body. He hadn’t realized how cold he was until his lips were pressed against He Tian’s warm ones. Mo kissed He Tian with something nearing desperation. He wrapped his arms around He Tian’s neck and brought their bodies as close as he could. He Tian’s hands moved down to his waist. All Mo wanted at that moment was for He Tian to take control and ravish him like he had so many times before. Mo pulled away a fraction of an inch and whispered, “Kiss me.” His voice sounded hoarse and he didn’t wait to get a reaction out of He Tian. He closed the distance between their lips again. This time he felt He Tian kissing him back and it was as if a switch had been flipped. He Tian wrapped his arm around Mo’s waist tightly, bringing their bodies flush together. His other hand went up to the back of Mo’s head. He Tian tilted his head so he had a better angle to push his tongue into Mo’s mouth. Mo let out a desperate moan, once again clinging to He Tian’s shirt. Mo’s whole body was quickly heating up. He moved his lips against He Tian’s in a rhythm that they learned through weeks of fumbling around in this very apartment or at school. He Tian’s lips were always perfectly soft and moist. Feeling He Tian trace his lower lip with his tongue before biting down on it made Mo Guan Shan light headed in the best possible way.

He Tian started leading them further into the apartment and Mo couldn’t have been happier. This was what he needed. He needed to forget about today and focus on his very hot and horny boyfriend. Fuck, since when did he call He Tian his boyfriend so easily? 

Mo’s legs hit the edge of the sofa and he let himself fall down. He Tian caught himself before crushing Mo Guan Shan, breaking the kiss. Mo couldn’t have that. He cupped He Tian’s face and brought their lips back together. He let his hands run through He Tian’s hair as he readjusted himself to lay on the sofa. He Tian followed him, moving his lips from Mo’s mouth across Mo’s jaw and down to his throat. Mo hissed as He Tian lightly bit his neck. They’d made out enough times to know where the other liked to be kissed or bit. He Tian lightly sucked at Mo’s neck, careful not to leave any marks. Mo let himself be swept up in the moment. He hadn’t realized that he’d never really let himself do that before. Every other time they’d made out, a part of Mo had always been nervous about giving up control completely. He’d never been comfortable with the thought of getting carried away by his emotions. It was why he’d always push He Tian away whenever he considered letting He Tian continue. Mo couldn’t imagine someone other than himself making him come. Mo knew he became desperate in the moments leading to his release, his mind would go blank during the actual release, and afterwards...he felt vulnerable. And the thought of someone else seeing him like that would usually be enough to pull Mo out of his lust haze. 

Tonight, Mo wanted to stop thinking. So as He Tian kissed him again, Mo dragged his hands down He Tian’s back, feeling all the muscles there, until he reached the hem of He Tian’s sweatpants. His fingers had barely grazed He Tian’s boxers before He Tian was jerking away. Mo looked up at him, startled. He couldn’t read the look He Tian had on his face. “What are you doing?” Mo asked. He reached out to grab He Tian, but He Tian once again moved away. 

“What am  _ I _ doing?” He Tian asked, his voice oddly high pitched. “Are you serious right now?” 

Mo sat up as he watched He Tian get off the couch. “What?” Mo asked. He could feel the hurt wrapping around his heart. Was He Tian really rejecting him? 

He Tian gave Mo another odd look. Mo couldn’t figure out if he was confused or angry or what. “You-we-” He Tian let out a deep breath. He stared down at his feet for a moment and Mo sat there, waiting to see how He Tian would blow up on him. “We’ve never gone further than kissing and you honestly think that  _ tonight _ we should?”

Mo felt his cheeks burn. So He Tian  _ was  _ rejecting him? “What the hell is your problem?” he lashed out. 

“My problem is that there’s a psychopath out there who wants to hurt you and you-”

The doorbell cut him off. Mo jumped and moved away from the door. It couldn’t be-

“I ordered take out,” He Tian explained. He walked towards the door without another look at Mo. Mo used the time to slow down his heart rate. He clutched at his chest. There was no point for him to be so on edge. She Li would never dare come to He Tian’s apartment. 

He Tian returned with take out bags from a very familiar restaurant. When the hell had He Tian ordered from Mo’s favorite place? As they awkwardly began opening up containers on the coffee table, Mo realized that He Tian had also ordered all his favorite dishes. He Tian wordlessly nudged the wrapped up sandwich towards him. It was hard to be pissed at someone who was surrounding you with delicious food. Mo mumbled a quiet thanks before stuffing his mouth with food. After the day he had, Mo wasn’t that surprised to find himself so hungry. 

They ate in complete silence. He Tian didn’t even bother to turn on the TV in order to have some noise fill the apartment. Mo let the silence stretch out. If he said anything, He Tian would take it as an invitation to start asking questions.

Eventually, there wasn’t any more food to keep their mouths occupied. Mo sat there and stared at the empty containers. The inevitable eventually happened.

“How did you and She Li meet?” 

Mo got to his feet in a rush. He was not having this conversation. He Tian was in front of him before he’d even realized he’d chosen to attempt an escape. “Come on, Little Mo,” He Tian said, his voice forcefully casual. “Talk about your past.” Mo stood there, staring off to the side. Flashbacks were hitting him like knives digging into his skin. The alley. That man. The blood. 

The tears were back. Mo hid his face in his hands. He didn’t want to talk about it. Talking about it would be like reliving the whole thing over again. And if He Tian knew…

He Tian stepped forward and cradled Mo’s head against his chest. Mo felt He Tian bend down and kiss the top of his head. The affection made it harder to control the tears from spilling out. He reached out to clutch at He Tian’s shirt again. He Tian’s fingers ran through his hair softly. “You should tell me,” He Tian said. “Once you’ve told me, you won’t have to shoulder it alone anymore.”

Those words brought back a different flashback. They brought back memories of a boy with a bloody cut on his palm and a warm jacket being wrapped around Mo’s shoulders. 

After everything they’d been through, He Tian was still standing in front of him, still wanting to know  _ more _ about Mo. And all at once, Mo knew he could trust He Tian. So Mo told him.

Keeping his head down to avoid He Tian’s gaze, he told him about the homeless man he’d encountered in an alley. How he’d tried to help the man by offering him money but had instead been attacked, almost choked to death. How suddenly, She Li had shown up and hit the man with a glass bottle. It was She Li’s idea to not call the cops, but Mo hadn’t argued with him either. Eventually, a rumor started that the old man had been in a car accident. And Mo was indebted to She Li from that day onward.

“But it’s been tormenting me ever since...if only I didn’t….” Mo heard his voice crack and bit down on his lip. He Tian’s hands, which had been stroking his hair, pulled his face up to look at him. 

“You did nothing wrong,” He Tian told him. Mo tried to look away from He Tian’s gaze. It was all too much. A small part of Mo had been afraid that He Tian would change his mind about Mo. That once he knew one of Mo’s darkest secrets, he’d leave. But instead, He Tian had reassured him without even hesitating. And he had no idea how much Mo wanted to believe those words. The tears were there again and this time Mo was too tired to fight them back. They flowed down his cheeks and Mo knew he wouldn’t be able to stop them. He Tian guided Mo’s face to rest on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Mo’s shaking body and hugged him tightly. Mo cried on He Tian’s shoulder and let out all the fear and guilt he’d been carrying around for years now. And He Tian held him and rubbed soothing circles into his back, and occasionally planted kisses on his head. 

At some point, Mo’s sobs quieted down and the tears stopped flowing. Like earlier today, he wasn’t terribly eager to move away from He Tian. But his legs were going numb and now that he’d stopped crying, he was very aware of all the snot and tears he’d gotten on He Tian’s shirt. He tried to pull away from him but He Tian didn’t loosen his grip. Mo hesitantly looked up into his face. He Tian still had that quiet, serious look that Mo wasn’t used to. Something in He Tian’s eyes though...it sent warm tingles down Mo’s spine in the same instant that it made Mo want to run out of the room. Mo’s heart started racing thinking of what He Tian might be about to say. 

Though He Tian didn’t say anything at all. Instead, he cupped Mo’s cheeks and kissed him gently. Mo wanted to push him away; his face was filled with snot and salty tears and it was gross. But instead, Mo melted into the kiss. Because He Tian knew Mo’s dark secret and had seen him ball his eyes out like a baby and still wanted to kiss Mo. So he let He Tian kiss him gently, soundlessly removing another brick from Mo’s walls.

He Tian slowly pulled back and rested his forehead against Mo’s. “Maybe a warm shower before bed?” He Tian suggested. Mo nodded. He was too emotionally spent to argue right now, He Tian could ask him to do anything at that moment. 

_ “Will you marry me?” _

Mo jumped back as if he’d been shocked. He looked at He Tian’s concerned face and then made a beeline for the bathroom. His heart was pounding against his ribs again. What the hell had brought about that particular memory?

He shook off the thought and got to showering.

* * *

Mo Guan Shan was comfortably settled into He Tian’s huge bed, mindlessly scrolling through his phone. Mindlessly being the key word. Because he was absolutely not thinking about that random question that popped into his head. Nope. Not even once. And he was so focused on his phone and not his feelings, that he didn’t notice He Tian leave the bathroom or stand beside the bed, staring down at Mo Guan Shan. 

“You know I want you to touch my dick, right?”

It was a combination of He Tian’s sudden reappearance and the actual words that left his mouth that caused Mo Guan Shan to lose his grip on his face and have it fall on his face. Ignoring the pain, Mo moved his phone and sat up to gawk at He Tian. “What the fuck?” Mo asked. 

He Tian shrugged his shoulders. “Earlier, when I pulled away,” He Tian began, “you looked hurt. I wanted to be clear that you have my full permission to touch my dick any other day of the year.”

“You’re an idiot,” was all Mo could think to say. He Tian smiled down at him and it did not cause Mo to feel weird squirming in his stomach. 

“Good night, Little Mo,” He Tian said. He turned to walk away.

“Where are you going?” Mo asked, genuinely confused. 

He Tian looked back at him, equally confused. “To sleep on the couch,” He Tian half asked, half answered. 

Mo stared at him for a while. He’d never spent the night since they’d started dat-kissing. But Mo hadn’t even considered making He Tian sleep on the couch. “Fuck off, and get in bed. I’m tired,” Mo grubbled. And to emphasize how this wasn’t a big deal, Mo turned back to get comfortable on the bed and feign sleep. He tried to stay perfectly still with his eyes closed and breaths even. But of course, He Tian was not going to make things that easy for him. Without any warning, He Tian jumped on top of him. 

“So you want to sleep with me,” He Tian teased.

“Fuck, get off,” Mo grubbled. They pushed and shoved for a while, but in the end, He Tian ended up wrapped around Mo from behind, perfectly under the covers. Mo let out a defeated sigh. If He Tian didn’t want to move, Mo definitely didn’t have the strength to make him. 

“Good night, Little Mo,” He Tian whispered into his ear. Mo tried his best not to squirm at the warm breath being blown at his ear. He Tian nuzzled his nose against Mo’s hair. “You smell like me.” Mo wasn’t sure how to respond to that or why it made his cheeks warm with embarrassment. Of course he smelled like He Tian. He’d had to use his shampoo and soap. And suddenly the act of taking a shower in He Tian’s bathroom seemed far more intimate than it had before. 

“Shut up and go to sleep,” Mo grumbled. He’d done quite enough of being vulnerable for one night. Mo reached up to turn off the bedside light but He Tian’s hand shot up to grab his wrist. Mo felt how He Tian had gone from soft and relaxed against him to stiff as a board, in the non-perverted way. “What?” Mo asked. 

They lay on the bed, both with one arm awkwardly in the air. After many seconds, He Tian finally whispered, “I don’t like the dark.” Mo stared at their hands in mid air. He Tian said it with such caution, each word a struggle to get out. Mo slowly moved his hand so that it was within He Tian’s grip and then brought both their hands to his chest. He readjusted a bit and then closed his eyes, once again feigning sleep. The room was so quiet that Mo clearly heard He Tian’s sigh of relief. He felt He Tian bring Mo ever closer to his chest and rest his head on the pillow. “Thank you,” he whispered. 

Mo felt the urge to say something. But everything he could think of was either too sappy or not enough. 

_ It’s no big deal. _

_ Thank you.  _

_ Will you tell me about it some day? _

_ I never thought I would tell that story to anyone. _

_ I’m here for you too. _

_ You can trust me.  _

_...I trust you. _

There were many things Mo could say. But instead he interlaced their fingers together and held on tight. He Tian curled into him more. And Mo realized, that in that moment, this was enough.

This was everything. 


End file.
